[{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/coming-out-at-home-with-pride-and-dignity\/#NewsArticle","mainEntityOfPage":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/coming-out-at-home-with-pride-and-dignity\/","headline":"Coming out at home with pride and dignity","name":"Coming out at home with pride and dignity","description":"Editor Mrigaa Sethi is 37 years old and happily married to her wife of two years, Erin Sweeney. It is a union celebrated by her parents, relatives and friends. But the journey towards this contented present was decades in the making. For a long time, Mx Sethi\u2019s parents had struggled to accept their only child\u2019s […]","datePublished":"2021-06-30","dateModified":"2022-04-16","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/author\/michelle-jn-lim\/#Person","name":"Michelle JN Lim","url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/author\/michelle-jn-lim\/","identifier":288,"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/81c2a6d6fefde42394985e51f55fe5b44ab5eadc292408d466aa6fd6d628ae8e?s=96&d=mm&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/81c2a6d6fefde42394985e51f55fe5b44ab5eadc292408d466aa6fd6d628ae8e?s=96&d=mm&r=g","height":96,"width":96}},"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"TheHomeGround Asia","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo_2021-07-22-222533.jpeg","url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo_2021-07-22-222533.jpeg","width":640,"height":640}},"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/1624960350925_Pride_Flag_jpeg_1280x626.jpg","url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/1624960350925_Pride_Flag_jpeg_1280x626.jpg","height":626,"width":1280},"url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/coming-out-at-home-with-pride-and-dignity\/","about":["Community","Health & Wellness","Sex & Gender","Singapore"],"wordCount":2595,"articleBody":"Editor Mrigaa Sethi is 37 years old and happily married to her wife of two years, Erin Sweeney. It is a union celebrated by her parents, relatives and friends. But the journey towards this contented present was decades in the making. For a long time, Mx Sethi\u2019s parents had struggled to accept their only child\u2019s identity as a nonbinary queer person.\u00a0Mx Sethi\u2019s mother, Bonny Sethi, 58, shares that her child had shown signs of being queer since young. \u201cShe never played with dolls. She watched… He Man, Ninja Turtles and so on. She hated wearing frocks and dresses,\u201d she recalls.\u00a0\u201cWhen Mrigaa was about 10 years old, I reprimanded her for choosing jeans over a dress for a birthday party. She burst into tears, and said, \u2018Mama, I don\u2019t feel like a girl,\u2019\u201d Mrs Sethi shares: \u201cI felt I had been punched in the stomach. That time I just hugged her and cried with her.\u201dMrigaa Sethi (right) and wife, Erin Sweeney (second from right), celebrate their first Deepavali with parents, after their wedding. (Photo courtesy of Mrigaa Sethi and family)Her worst fears were confirmed when Mx Sethi\u2019s teachers \u2013 who were also Mrs Sethi\u2019s colleagues, since she was teaching at her daughter’s school at the time \u2013 shared that Mx Sethi had \u201ccome out\u201d to everyone at their eighth grade school advisement trip. Mr Sethi was so grief-stricken by this news that he \u201cslept in a foetal position for weeks after that, moaning in his sleep,\u201d she says.\u00a0\u201cMy husband thought we had nothing left to look forward to. No grand Indian wedding for our only child, and most importantly, no grandchildren. He slumped into a huge depression.\u201dMrs Sethi attributes their dismay towards her child\u2019s gender expression to a very conservative upbringing, and a fear of what her community would think. \u201cI honestly believed people looked at me differently and were mocking me behind my back,\u201d Mrs Sethi explains. \u201cIt was simply, \u2018What will the world say,\u2019 syndrome.\u201d\u00a0For a long time, these anxieties caused a lot of tension in the Sethi household. Looking back, she recollects: \u201cMy poor girl had to go through a lot of outbursts and verbal lashings from us both.\u201d\u00a0A turning point\u00a0When Mx Sethi left home to live on her own, Mr and Mrs Sethi saw it as a huge blow to them, and this had made them \u201cre-evaluate our thought processes\u201d, notes Mrs Sethi. They started coming to terms with their child\u2019s sexuality after Mx Sethi had been working for a while after graduating from university. Mrs Sethi credits Mx Sethi\u2019s past girlfriends for changing her perception.\u00a0\u201cWhen I saw them together, happy, cheerful, and content, I felt this huge sense of warmth towards them both. I found myself visiting them, and having them over,” explains Mrs Sethi. “[Her then-girlfriend] made my child so happy, and was so loving and respectful towards us. This, I guess, led to the culmination of our years\u2019 struggle with it all.\u201d\u00a0The positive relationships that Mx Sethi had motivated Mrs Sethi to recognise that her daughter was happiest when she could freely pursue the relationships that were truest to her identity.\u00a0\u201cMy girl is now happily married to this absolutely amazing girl for two years, and they keep a beautiful home together… Erin has brought out the best in our child, and is extremely dear to our hearts,\u201d Mrs Sethi gushes.\u00a0\u00a0Bonny Sethi (left) with Mrigaa Sethi\u2019s wife, Erin Sweeney. (Photo courtesy of Mrigaa Sethi and family)A community\u2019s welcome\u00a0Both Mrs Sethi and Mx Sethi were \u201ctotally astonished at how accepting they were\u201d, when Mrs Sethi finally mustered the courage to come out about her daughter to her immediate family and close friends.\u00a0Proof of this came during Mx Sethi and Ms Sweeney’s first Deepavali as a married couple, in 2019. They visited their parents in Bangkok for the occasion, where they were received at a party with over a hundred friends and family. Mrs Sethi brought the couple from table to table and introduced her daughter-in-law to her community.\u00a0\u201cEveryone was really nice and kind, and they treated us just the way you would treat any sort of newlyweds,\u201d recalls Mx Sethi. \u201cIt was kind of surprising to realise that the community response that we feared never really came in that same way. Or [perhaps] the community was waiting for us to take the lead on how to respond.\u201dOn this, she reflects: \u201cThe vibe that we put out in the community is the vibe that we get back \u2013 at least in this case.\u201dWhen Bonny Sethi posted this photo of her daughter Mrigaa Sethi and wife Erin Sweeney on their wedding day, she received a few calls from other parents who had a child who is LGBTQIA+, asking if she would be willing to counsel them. (Photo courtesy of Mrigaa Sethi and family)Challenges of coming out in Singapore\u00a0While Mx Sethi\u2019s story has a happy ending, many LGBTQIA+ individuals in Singapore hesitate to come out to their family for fear of rejection, or have faced negative consequences after doing so.\u00a0Alexander Teh, a youth worker at non-profit Oogachaga, says: \u201cIn Singapore, where the concept of filial piety and a lifelong bond with parents is instilled in us from a young age, it is incredibly difficult for LGBTQIA+ people to deal with the lack of support from their parents, especially if they had a good relationship with them to begin with.\u201d\u00a0Yet it is precisely this support that LGBTQIA+ youth need as they navigate a world of uncertainty. \u201cIt is natural for many of us to look to our parents for comfort in stressful situations, and for validation in times of self-doubt,\u201d Mr Teh says.\u00a0\u201cSupporting their children regardless of their sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression will let them know that even if their experiences outside the home are not the best, they can always come back to a space where they know they are safe and loved,\u201d he emphasises.\u00a0This sense of fear and anxiety might be due to the generally conservative timbre of Singapore society. According to a 2020 survey by the Institute of Policy Studies, 59.3 per cent of 2,000 Singaporean and Permanent Resident respondents say that homosexuality is never or seldom justifiable.\u00a0For LGBTQIA+ youths who come from a conservative or religious background, coming out to their families can entail real risks of disownment and homelessness.\u00a0Coming out is only a first step\u00a0But even when the situation is not as dire, some members of the community caution that coming out is merely the first step in a long process towards mutual understanding.\u00a0Freelance deep tissue therapist Eileena Lee, 50, was one of the first people to publicly come out during Pink Dot, in 2010. Ms Lee encourages fellow LGBTQIA+ individuals to \u201cbe very gentle with our expectations\u201d, when coming out to loved ones.\u00a0\u201cMy mum struggles still, with me,\u201d she says. \u201cI\u2019ve come out to her for so many years… But people do vacillate, and children need to know that their parents will vacillate.\u201d\u00a0Screenshot of Eileena Lee and her mother, Yiap Geok Khuan, in a Pink Dot video in 2010. (Photo source: Pink Dot)She urges queer and trans individuals, as well as their family members, to view \u201ccoming out [as] the start of a long conversation of getting to know each other better.\u201d She also encourages the former to consider educating their family members on LGBTQIA+ issues to nudge them towards acceptance.\u00a0\u00a0Under the watchful eyes of statutory board Infocomm Media Development Authority, which regulates media content in Singapore, there has been, historically, a dearth of realistic and positive LGBTQIA+ representation in mainstream media. A lack of exposure might have led to the general public being largely unaware of or misunderstanding the lived experiences and struggles of LGBTQIA+ individuals. These consequences contribute to the challenges of coming out to family and friends.\u00a0\u00a0For parents who are older or non-English speaking, such as Ms Lee\u2019s mother, \u201cit is hard for her to go and search for queer-affirmative information,\u201d she says. It is thus important to \u201ccreate space for them to just be.” Explains Ms Lee: “Imagine when you’ve just come out to yourself, I don’t think that the love for yourself happened immediately, right? Our parents need to go through that…[and] come out too. It\u2019s a huge step for them.\u201dLoved ones have to grapple with coming out too\u00a0\u00a0Family members of queer and trans individuals have to negotiate their own comfort levels with coming out to their colleagues and friends, as they find their footing in supporting their LGBTQIA+ loved ones.\u00a0\u00a0Fine art consultant 29-year-old Christian Dawn (not his real last name) identifies as a trans man. He has lived with his main guardian, a 74-year-old aunt who teaches at a local primary school, since he was born. Though ‘Auntie’ Anne is fully supportive of her transgender nephew, she declines to share her full identity for this article due to concerns that her workplace would draw ire from conservative parents. Otherwise, she continues to be Mr Christian\u2019s staunch supporter when faced with probing questions from colleagues and family members.\u00a0Fine art consultant Christian Dawn has lived with his guardian Auntie Anne since he was born, and had her full support when he transitioned to being a man. (Photo courtesy of Christian Dawn)\u00a0Mdm Anne is no stranger to navigating difficult conversations in the workplace. She says: \u201cSome close colleagues in school have asked me, \u2018What happened to your niece?\u2019 And I’ll say, \u2018Nephew, you mean\u2019? And that’s it, they won’t ask any further.\u201d A simple correction like this, while brief, speaks volumes about her affirmation of and support for Mr Christian\u2019s gender identity.\u00a0Although a devout Catholic, like her nephew, she does not see religion as coming between her and her love for him.\u00a0\u201cMy understanding of God is a very magnanimous one,\u201d she says. \u201cIt\u2019s human beings that narrow him down to be a very narrow-minded God.”Besides, she adds, only God can be the judge: “All of us have our own choices to make… and if we are chosen to be this, for whatever reason, no one can judge.\u201dA supportive family is a safe space\u00a0Mr Christian\u2019s case might be an unconventional one.\u00a0As he puts it: \u201cI didn\u2019t come out to my family; they came out for me.\u201d Before he had mustered the will to come out to them, his closest relatives had already deduced his gender identity themselves.\u201cEven as early as when I was 11 or 12, my grandmother already asked me, in dialect, if I liked girls,\u201d he says.\u00a0\u00a0For him, his aunt and late maternal grandmother were the refuge that he could count on for support, when other members of his family were less understanding.\u00a0\u201cWhen my grandmother was alive she would tell the whole extended family and my own mother off for gossiping about me at the reunion dinner,\u201d he shares. \u201cShe\u2019d say, \u2018So what if Chris likes girls? Chris is the most filial grandchild that I have.\u2019\u201d\u00a0At each stage of his journey \u2013 first as a butch lesbian and then as a trans man \u2013 his instinct had been to hide his struggles with his sexual orientation and gender identity. He was afraid of how his family would react. But the unwavering support of his aunt and grandmother made him realise that \u201cat the end of the day they\u2019ll still love [me] no matter what. And it took me some time to realise that.\u201d\u00a0Family members who extend this love and support to others in the community provide a safe space for LGBTQIA+ youths, who may not be welcomed in their own homes.\u00a0For 29-year-old Ashutosh, who identifies as gay, his mother has also been a maternal figure to his queer friends whose parents are unsupportive. \u201cI don’t feel the need to hide anything from her and she’s met ex-boyfriends and welcomed them with open arms,\u201d he shares.\u00a0Mdm Usha, his mother, says that having a gay son has enabled her to learn about the LGBTQIA+ community. \u201cMy advice to other parents [is that] accepting your child is the way to go,\u201d she urges. \u201cIf we were to put ourselves in their shoes, we would feel the real pain. Wouldn\u2019t we all want people to accept us for what we are and who we are?\u201dResources to look up\u00a0For those who are struggling with their child\u2019s queer identity, there are more avenues than ever to seek information and support.\u00a0Longstanding queer-affirming spaces, like Oogachaga, provide counselling services, while Pelangi Pride Centre is a resource library, with a range of fiction and non-fiction books of LGBTQIA+ interests. Oogachaga also has a section in their online resource library that includes information tailored to parents and families of LGBTQIA+ individuals.\u00a0Now in its 13th year, Pink Dot SG, Singapore\u2019s first public, open-air pro-LGBT event, has become a rallying point for LGBTQIA+ and allies to show support for the queer community.\u00a0It is not uncommon for queer individuals to bring their friends and family to introduce them to a positive and unifying experience of the queer community.Over the years, this national movement has amplified the message that everyone deserves the freedom to love. It has also spot-lit queer families; their joys and challenges, while remaining one of the only large-scale events where Singapore’s LGBTQIA+ community can see itself reflected in an open and inclusive light.\u00a0In the social media space, a number of queer-affirming pages have sprung up in recent years. Some examples include:\u00a0@heckin.unicorn \u2013 a queer-affirming accessories brand with a blog that covers local LGBTQ+ issues.@myqueerstorysg \u2013 an Instagram page that collects and shares stories of discrimination against the local LGBTQ+ community.@quasasg \u2013 a non-profit queer Muslim peer support and resource collective on Instagram.Given an increased visibility, support and availability of resources today, one might argue that it is easier to come out now than it was for older generations.\u00a0Ms Lee, who is also a co-founder of Pelangi Pride Centre (PPC), notes that the landscape and needs of the community has changed over time. “In the past, the people who come to us when they need resources tend to be LGBTQI individuals,” she says. “In the last couple of years, we are seeing parents together with their kids come to PPC.\u201d\u00a0Coming out remains a deeply personal choice\u00a0As times change, perhaps it will become easier for parents of LGBTQIA+ individuals to embrace and celebrate their child’s full self-identities.\u00a0Until then, it is up to each individual to decide if and when they want to come out to their family, friends and colleagues. And it is not to be taken lightly.For many, coming out about their gender identity and sexuality can entail real threats to their physical safety and mental health if their home, work, or schooling environments are unsupportive.\u00a0Ultimately, there is no right or wrong decision, but only what is best for the individual.\u00a0As for family and friends of LGBTQIA+ individuals who want to support their loved ones\u2019 coming-out journey, Mrs Sethi advises: \u201cThe best thing you can do is remember that, regardless of [their] sexual orientation and gender identity, you love them and want them to be happy.\u201dAnd look how well this advice has turned out for her family.Join the conversations on TheHomeGround Asia’s\u00a0Facebook\u00a0and\u00a0Instagram, and get the latest updates via\u00a0Telegram."},{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Destinations","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/#breadcrumbitem"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Singapore","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/\/singapore\/#breadcrumbitem"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"Coming out at home with pride and dignity","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/coming-out-at-home-with-pride-and-dignity\/#breadcrumbitem"}]}]