[{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/into-the-world-of-queer-relationships\/#NewsArticle","mainEntityOfPage":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/into-the-world-of-queer-relationships\/","headline":"Into the world of queer relationships","name":"Into the world of queer relationships","description":"Navigating the dating scene can be tricky, from managing expectations and conflicts to defining relationships and discovering what works best for oneself. Within the realm of romance, however, relationships in the queer community have been less talked about, even as they hold different norms and challenges to heterosexual unions. TheHomeGround Asia sat down with individuals […]","datePublished":"2021-05-01","dateModified":"2021-05-04","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/author\/Maisie%20Leong\/#Person","name":"Maisie Leong","url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/author\/Maisie%20Leong\/","identifier":227,"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4f5c852853ba8ed19bedc5417be7db8166064cfcb8857f5ec40bb516fab94b2d?s=96&d=mm&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4f5c852853ba8ed19bedc5417be7db8166064cfcb8857f5ec40bb516fab94b2d?s=96&d=mm&r=g","height":96,"width":96}},"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"TheHomeGround Asia","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo_2021-07-22-222533.jpeg","url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo_2021-07-22-222533.jpeg","width":640,"height":640}},"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/1619785517444_LGBTQ_Dating_Featured_Image_1080x626.jpg","url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/1619785517444_LGBTQ_Dating_Featured_Image_1080x626.jpg","height":626,"width":1280},"url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/into-the-world-of-queer-relationships\/","about":["Asia","Community","Sex & Gender","Singapore"],"wordCount":2143,"articleBody":"Navigating the dating scene can be tricky, from managing expectations and conflicts to defining relationships and discovering what works best for oneself. Within the realm of romance, however, relationships in the queer community have been less talked about, even as they hold different norms and challenges to heterosexual unions. TheHomeGround Asia sat down with individuals within the LGBTQ+ community to find out about the unique experiences they encounter when it comes to dating and relationships.\u00a0Modern dating has evolved since the launch of the Singapore Dating Network programme, which was first established as the Social Development Unit in 1984 to create more opportunities for social interaction among singles in Singapore.\u00a0The last decade saw dating applications such as Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, and Coffee Meets Bagel revolutionising the art of dating in a swipe, allowing individuals to meet on their own terms. Bumble, for instance, enables female users to make the first move in the dating process. The widening options to find love and romance have also seen the rise of more controversial sites such as SeekingArrangement, which connects younger users, known as ‘sugar babies’, with wealthy, older users, who are referred to as \u2018sugar daddies\u2019 and \u2018sugar mummies\u2019.\u00a0But how is dating different for those in the LGBTQ+ community, and what are some of the unique challenges and fears that they face?\u00a0Societal gender-based stereotypesPreconceived notions of gender roles are one common stereotype of queer relationships, especially with many assuming that there must be male and female roles within the relationship.\u00a0Kennede Sng, 24, host and member of the iconic trio The SG Boys, a podcast that sheds light on key issues within the LGBT community, says that he has received questions on gender roles in his relationships.\u00a0\u201cI’ve been in situations where I introduce my relationship to some people, and then they will ask things like, \u2018Oh, who’s the female in the relationship? Who’s the male?\u2019,\u201d he explains.Identifying as transgender male 25-year-old Dave (not his real name) notes that this same stereotype exists in lesbian relationships. Based on personal experience, he describes the idea of ‘butch’ (a female person who may be perceived to present masculine traits) and ‘femme’ (associated with the presentation of feminine traits) personas.But he adds, \u201cThe reality is very different, and there are different combinations. Most people do not fit into the butch and femme stereotypes.\u201dWithin the queer community itself, stereotypes include the ‘camp van’ convention for lesbian relationships, which suggests that a lesbian couple who connects well would \u201ctend to move in together very quickly\u201d, explains Dave.\u201cIf a lesbian couple fits together, they will move out of each other’s houses, go live in a camping van in the middle of the forest together. [They are] that in love, and they click that well… I do see it in Singapore. They tend to move [in] together very quickly.\u201dHe suggests that this could be due to the differences in how women are socialised compared to men: \u201cWith women, there is a larger emotional capacity… Because of [this], there is a faster potential for deep bonds.\u201d\u201c[There is also] the shared experience of women… From monthly things like periods, to work discrimination, [and] family obligations, especially when you’re pressured to… take care of your family… There’s a very strong desire to escape that. When you don’t fit into the perfect, stereotypical cishet (cisgender and heterosexual) mould,\u201d Dave adds.Male queer relationships have their fair share of stereotypes as well, notes 39-year-old Chuanwei, such as who performs the roles of ‘tops’ and ‘bottoms’ in a relationship.\u00a0\u201cSo the top is usually the active and older one. And usually is expected to provide more [financially than] the bottom, who’s usually a bit more xiao mei mei (small sister in Mandarin) or xiao di di (small brother in Mandarin),\u201d he says.\u00a0Persistent misconceptionsFounder of photography and videography studio Treehouse Weddings Jach Chua, 28, says that common misconceptions for queer relationships include the notion that they are going through a phase: \u201cBasically, your relationship is deemed as less [serious] than [a heteronormative one],\u201d she says.\u201c[There\u2019s also] an assumption that same sex relationships are all polyamorous… that [it’s] rare that they’re really committed to each other in that sense.\u201dBut not being in a heterosexual relationship also means not having to adhere to strict and normative gender roles set out by society: \u201cYou understand that whatever it is that’s required [of] you from society [is not] something [you have] to bring into [the] relationship,\u201d asserts Ms Chua.Jach Chua says that one does not have to adhere to strict gender roles within a queer relationship. (Photo courtesy of Jach Chua)Upholding family values is also a hurdle that those in the queer community face.\u00a0\u201cAnother misconception is that homosexual relationships are an improper representation of the social contract, [of what a] family should be,” explains Ms Chua. “Like if you have a child, and you’re the same gender as your partner, that’s not [setting] a good example. [Or that] you can’t be [a] good parent.\u201dThe portrayal of queer relationships in the media may be a contributing factor to such misconceptions. And Mr Sng suggests that this could be due to the lack of positive portrayals of LGBT relationships in mainstream content.\u00a0“Sometimes people who don’t know LGBT people personally can make a mistake of reducing the idea of a LGBT relationship into various centralising characteristics… And I think that can contribute to misconceptions,\u201d he says.Finding love and romance as a transgender person\u00a0Dating presents a different set of challenges for the transgender community in Singapore. For instance, it could be tough to introduce a transgender partner to family members, who may not be open or understanding towards the transgender community.\u00a0\u201cIntroducing [your partner] to the family does come with all the standard Chinese New Year questions. ‘When you’re going to get married, have kids?’,\u201d shares Dave. \u201cIf you date a trans person, you can’t answer any of that. It all depends on when the surgery is, [or] if the person even wants surgery in the first place… People are scared to learn how to explain what a transgender person is to their families.\u201dThose in the community also have issues finding a partner.\u201cThere’s this fear that [potential partners] cannot go through all these checkpoints in life, [like getting] married, a BTO [Build-to-Order flat], kids, because that person is [perceived to be] biologically, legally incapable of doing so,\u201d he shares. \u201cThere’s that reluctance to get together with a trans person because they think, okay, all these avenues are closed off to me.\u201d\u00a0Other issues that transgender individuals face include gender dysphoria, which Dave explains is the medical term for the \u201cdistress that someone feels when society and their body do not fit their innate gender.\u201d (Source: Canva)Forming relationships in the male queer communityWhen it comes to relationships, Chuanwei notes that many individuals in the male queer community are often unable to find partners, due to a culture of not wanting to \u201csettle for less\u201d.\u00a0\u201cFor guys, it’s all about visual [appeal]… like [a guy who perceives himself to be [a] seven [will] go for [a] guy that’s better looking because [he] thinks, \u2018I deserve better\u2019,” he elaborates.\u201cAnd you see so many of us who are outstanding. Good looking. Good career. You will think these guys are probably all attached, [but] they’re all single because they cannot find the person who they want to be with,\u201d he explains, adding that this often leads to disillusionment among the male queer community.\u00a0\u00a0It can be difficult to find a partner in the male queer community due to a culture of not wanting to “settle for less”, says Chuanwei.Loneliness is another deep-rooted issue:\u00a0\u201cOf course some of them become comfortable with the fact that it’s okay being alone… But when illness strikes, [or] when you have a bad day at work, you go home, there’s no one there… to take care of you, or cry to,\u201d says Chuanwei. \u201cIt haunts you throughout your single [years]. It’s a very recurrent issue in our community.\u201d\u00a0Use of smartphone applications is \u201cone of the only avenues\u201d to seek companionship, says Mr Sng, especially for those who are not extroverted: \u201cI think it’s not wise or safe to be hitting up people or [having] those kinds of moments where you slide someone your number… because it’s not really something that’s accepted.\u201dChuanwei acknowledges that the rise of dating applications has made it easier to meet potential partners. But he notes that the increase in opportunities to fulfil one\u2019s physical needs has led to a culture of showing less care than one\u2019s partner, as a way to avoid being too emotionally invested.The rise of dating applications has made it easier to meet potential partners and find companionship. (Source: Canva)Plans for the future\u00a0DJ, singer-songwriter and host of The SG Boys Joshua Simon, 31, explains that those in queer relationships in Singapore do not follow the conventional route that heteronormative relationships are expected to.\u00a0\u201cWhat we do for ourselves is to create our own rules… our own relationship template and expectations that work for us,\u201d says Mr Simon. \u201cAll of us are figuring things out as we go along.\u201dAnd there has been a shift in consciousness, he adds, where people have started to embrace their own thoughts and are asking, \u2018How do I feel?\u2019, \u2018What do I identify with?\u2019, \u2018What is the relationship I want to be in?\u2019, \u2018What do I want in my partner?\u2019 and \u2018What can I give my partner?\u2019And what are his answers to these questions?\u00a0\u201cI want someone to help make my life easier. I want to enrich another person\u2019s life. And I want to experience things in real time, with someone by my side. That\u2019s it,\u201d he says.Mr Simon shares a line from Hush, a song he wrote a couple of years ago: \u201cIn the chorus, I say, \u2018I’ll hold your hand in the car instead, because your mum’s looking from the corner.\u2019 That\u2019s inspired from real-life experiences I\u2019ve had through the years, where you want to hold your partner’s hand or you want to hug that person on the train because everyone does that, expresses themselves freely \u2013 but you can\u2019t.\u201cPersonally, I went to what I feel I want in a relationship… a companion. You want someone to experience your life with,\u201d he says. \u201cI had a really great date last night and all we did was sit in the car and listen to music.\u201dThe iconic trio from The SG Boys (l-r): Sam Jo, Joshua Simon, and Kennede Sng. (Source: The SG Boys \/ Facebook)\u00a0Creating safe spacesMs Chua believes that queer relationships involve an \u201cadded level of understanding and empathy\u201d, as the queer community is \u201calready so suppressed\u201d.\u00a0\u201cIn a sense, you’re not able to be yourself. So, within your relationship you want to create a safe space where you can be yourself, and likewise your partner can also be themselves… You want [it] to be as organic as possible,\u201d she says.\u00a0Finding places where one can be open on a date is difficult too, shares Mr Sng: \u201cIt‘s not always the case where you have a safe space to be expressive about sexuality, love, [or] your relationship, especially for LGBT people. Because you either get gawks or strangers telling you that this is not right.\u201dHe adds that dating as a queer person in Singapore comes with a sense of being watched, like \u201ca controlling parent is following you wherever you go\u201d, which he says puts a \u201cstrain on forming relationships.\u201d\u00a0\u201cSometimes when I want to seek companionship, or get intimate with someone… it’s like, \u2018No, we don’t have a place to go. I can’t bring you home, [because] I’m not ‘out’. And you can’t bring me home [for the same reason].\u2019 And then [the connection] just kind of dissipates,\u201d he laments.Lacking the space to feel safe and having to \u201cconstantly look behind you\u201d feels intrusive, adds Mr Simon, and can dampen the process of dating.“It’s balancing the excitement of meeting someone special that you’re attracted to, but also ensuring that you’re safe, that you can protect yourself and the person that you’re with.\u201cIt’s creating an environment for each other where we can flourish, build on trust and take these leaps of faith together, which is a brave step not everyone is ready to do.\u201cIt\u2019s tough,\u201d he says.Join the conversations on TheHomeGround Asia’s Facebook\u00a0and\u00a0Instagram, and get the latest updates via\u00a0Telegram."},{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Destinations","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/#breadcrumbitem"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Singapore","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/\/singapore\/#breadcrumbitem"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"Into the world of queer relationships","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/into-the-world-of-queer-relationships\/#breadcrumbitem"}]}]