[{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/single-fathers-need-a-listening-ear-too\/#NewsArticle","mainEntityOfPage":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/single-fathers-need-a-listening-ear-too\/","headline":"Single fathers need a listening ear, too","name":"Single fathers need a listening ear, too","description":"As Father\u2019s Day draws closer, TheHomeGround Asia speaks to three single fathers to shed light on their unique experiences, and what it is like to be a part of a community in Singapore that often goes unseen and unheard, as they handle the demands of parenthood. Single fatherhood fell on 44-year-old Terence Low\u2019s shoulders without […]","datePublished":"2021-06-12","dateModified":"2022-04-16","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/author\/Maisie%20Leong\/#Person","name":"Maisie Leong","url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/author\/Maisie%20Leong\/","identifier":227,"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4f5c852853ba8ed19bedc5417be7db8166064cfcb8857f5ec40bb516fab94b2d?s=96&d=mm&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4f5c852853ba8ed19bedc5417be7db8166064cfcb8857f5ec40bb516fab94b2d?s=96&d=mm&r=g","height":96,"width":96}},"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"TheHomeGround Asia","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo_2021-07-22-222533.jpeg","url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/photo_2021-07-22-222533.jpeg","width":640,"height":640}},"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/1623549231638_Terence-Low_1280x626.jpg","url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/wp-content\/uploads\/1623549231638_Terence-Low_1280x626.jpg","height":626,"width":1280},"url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/single-fathers-need-a-listening-ear-too\/","about":["Community","Health & Wellness","Singapore"],"wordCount":2589,"articleBody":"As Father\u2019s Day draws closer, TheHomeGround Asia speaks to three single fathers to shed light on their unique experiences, and what it is like to be a part of a community in Singapore that often goes unseen and unheard, as they handle the demands of parenthood. Single fatherhood fell on 44-year-old Terence Low\u2019s shoulders without warning two and a half years ago with a phone call.\u00a0One evening in 2018, he returned home to find his wife out and thought that she was perhaps at church camp, since she had taken some of her belongings with her. He recalls asking his son and daughter (then 11 and 8 years old, respectively) where their mother was: \u201cThey said \u2018Mum went for some event, didn\u2019t tell us.\u2019\u201dSoon after, Mr Low\u2019s son Jonas, who turns 15 this year, remembers how an ordinary day turned into one he would never forget, when he learned that his mother would not be coming home, for good.\u00a0\u201cShe called home. My grandmother picked up, passed the phone to me… She told me that she found a place somewhere, a place to rent,\u201d he says.\u00a0She subsequently asked Mr Low for a separation, which ended in a divorce in August 2019. \u201cWe thought we’ll just try to work it out, but she very abruptly left the house, and then asked for a divorce,\u201d he says.\u00a0Something had felt amiss during the divorce proceedings, he adds, as she had ensured that he would have full care and control over their children, although they shared custody.According to several legal experts online, the court in Singapore usually grants joint custody to both parents in the event of a divorce, save for exceptional circumstances. While care and control of a child is awarded to one parent, often the mother, who becomes the primary caregiver.His ex-wife\u2019s abrupt departure left Mr Low floundering, and he had contemplated ending his life: \u201cI had [the] idea to leave everything. Go to some tall building and just end it.\u201d\u00a0But his attempt to leave his children with their mother, by asking them to wait for her at a McDonald\u2019s as he observed them from a nearby pillar, only made him realise that he had to fulfil his responsibility as their sole caregiver.\u201cAs I observed them, I felt that I just couldn’t lose these two. I always thought that even if she had left… Maybe I could just fight for it, get her back,\u201d he shares.\u00a0Mr Low’s hopes for a reconciliation were further dashed when his ex-wife died unexpectedly from hypertensive heart disease in November that same year. “When someone passes away, all hopes of trying to reconcile just dissipate,\u201d he says. It was a tragic-filled time for him, as his grandmother had just passed away two weeks earlier.In hindsight, he believes that his wife might have been trying to cushion him and their children from the blow of her impending death.\u201cEmotionally or physically, health-wise, she was not good. Maybe she thought her time was almost up,\u201d he rationalises. \u201cSo that’s why she chose to go away alone.\u201d\u00a0Mr Low is just one among a silent community of single fathers in Singapore \u2013a group that often goes unheard and unseen.\u00a0\u201cIt does seem like we are the forgotten group. I don’t think there’s a statistic to trace how single dads are doing in Singapore,\u201d he points out. \u201cNo one is actually keeping track of such things. We\u2019re just trial and error, going as it is.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Terence Low with his teenage children, Eva and Jonas, on a walk. (Photo courtesy of Terence Low)The struggles of single fatherhoodHaving been awarded care and control of his son Adyan since his divorce in 2011, Mohammed Raziff bin Abdull Hamid, 52, acknowledges that at least, he has a relatively amicable relationship with his ex-wife.\u00a0\u201cWe know that our son is the utmost importance, so whatever differences we put aside just to take care of his needs,\u201d he says. \u201cThe agreement is liberal access for the mum, 24\/7. You want him, can just come and take him. My only ask is half an hour before you come, at least give me a call so that I can prepare.\u201d\u00a0There were signs that the divorce had affected his son growing up. Mr Raziff recalls one painful moment when he realised that Adyan was uncomfortable socialising with other children.\u201cAll the children when they play at three, four years old, they will run back to their mum,\u201d he says. \u201cHe doesn’t want to be seen with the other kids. And the reason because he [doesn\u2019t] have a mum.\u201dThis incident led to Mr Raziff making a commitment to be present for his son, especially when it comes to school events and performances.\u00a0\u201cAlthough I can have [his] grandmother or grandfather there, without saying, he knows that all the [other children\u2019s] parents will be there, so he wants his parents to be there,\u201d he says.\u00a0\u201cMost of the time, I’ll be there for him in school so that he won’t feel left out just because he doesn’t have a mother.\u201dMohammed Raziff bin Abdull Hamid with his son Adyan, during the Hari Raya festival in 2016. (Photo courtesy of Mohammed Raziff bin Abdull Hamid)Aside from meeting their children\u2019s emotional needs, having the financial means to bring their children up is another concern for single fathers.\u00a0Mr Low worries about his ability to make ends meet. He describes himself as part of the \u201csandwich class\u201d.\u00a0\u201cI come under the sandwich class \u2013 not necessarily I am low-income but neither am I having a huge paycheck to cover a lot of things,\u201d he explains. \u201cInitially, I could get by with some financial assistance. But I got a pay rise, and then I couldn’t get all the financial help that I would get from MSF (Ministry of Social and Family Development). So I basically couldn’t qualify for [financial assistance].\u201dAnother hurdle single fathers face is the perception that they are less conscientious than mothers. \u201cI think they feel the guys tend to be a bit more laissez-faire. Maybe a bit don’t care less; not so meticulous in caring for the children,\u201d posits Mr Low.No man is an islandThen there is the issue of finding emotional support.\u00a0For Charles Tan, emotional support comes in the form of a chat group that mostly involves other single fathers. He meets up with his fellow group mates once or twice a month to discuss common struggles regarding parenting and spiritual matters. But, he notes that personal issues usually surface less frequently.\u00a0\u201cI think we just have to leave it to them. If they want to talk about it, it’s fine. Grief and loss is something very personal,\u201d he says. \u201cSo we just need to be there for each other.\u201d\u00a0A widower, Mr Tan lost his wife to lung cancer in 2012.\u00a0When she was diagnosed the year before, he was working in Australia, and intended to have his family join him later that year.\u00a0\u201cLung cancer is known as a silent killer… People don’t show any symptoms until probably stage three or stage four. By then it’s quite late already. The tumour has already started in the left lung, but spread to the brain,\u201d he shares.In the wake of his wife’s death, Mr Tan grappled with loneliness and emptiness, as he adjusted to a life alone, and took on the sole responsibility of caring for his children.\u201cShe was my lifelong companion. So her passing away hit me really hard. I suddenly felt very lost, heartbroken, devastated,\u201d he shares. \u201cThe world around me had totally crashed and collapsed,\u201d he added, saying he felt \u201ctotally alone\u201d with his grief and loss.\u00a0\u201cI think it’s a common feeling that we all have \u2013 the feeling of isolation. It’s not that we want to isolate ourselves, just that people are not so forthcoming to come and talk to us,\u201d Mr Tan explains.\u00a0Adapting to single parenthood was not easy, especially since his wife had been a stay-at-home mother: \u201cI think I just left it to her to take over the role of parenting the kids, and even discipline the kids, whereas I was busy working,\u201d he says.\u00a0\u201c[When] my wife passed away, the challenge becomes even more daunting for me, because I realised I don’t have all the skills, the knowledge and experience that I need to be able to be a good parent to my children.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Charles Tan with his late wife, daughter Shema (8) and son Rhema (5) at Glen Waverley Primary School in Melbourne, 2007; one of his family’s happier moments together. (Photo courtesy of Charles Tan)\u00a0Relating the struggles of single parenting did not come naturally to Mr Tan, he was uncertain if others would be able to \u201cshow the kind of understanding, compassion and empathy that we need.\u201dHe elaborates, \u201cMaybe other guys find it hard to respond to us. We are more likely to share our issues and struggles with friends and other people who are willing to listen and show their care and understanding to us.\u201dSeeking help can be onerous too, shares Mr Raziff, whose discomfiture in expressing his feelings further prevented him from opening up: \u201cI guess men are more… egoistic. We think we are always in control, we can do things,\u201d he says. \u201cI won’t be able to sit down with an expert to say, \u2018Yeah, I need support for this.\u2019\u201d\u00a0Mr Tan attributes this to the different ways that men and women are socialised. \u201cIt’s got to do with socialisation processes from young. We have not been [conditioned] to express our emotions, and we think that showing our emotions might be considered weak by other people,\u201d he says.\u00a0As a Prisons Counsellor, he counts himself fortunate in being more comfortable talking about his emotions than fellow single fathers: \u201cTalking about emotions comes easier for me, because we have to talk to clients about emotions.\u201d\u00a0But at home, speaking to his children about their mother’s passing has proven trickier: \u201cThere were times when I did try to bring up the subject, and they didn’t want to talk about it… [My daughter] did say that she was feeling sad during Mummy’s funeral. My son, on the other hand, didn’t show any emotion.\u201d\u00a0Time, though, has enabled him to develop a closer relationship with his daughter Shema and son Rhema, but Mr Tan acknowledges that the process is a work in progress.\u00a0\u201cI’m trying to make myself available,\u201d he says. \u201cIt’s a mindset shift I’ve to change on my part, recognising that while I’m still a father, as the kids get older, I have to relate to them more like a friend.\u201d\u00a0Charles Tan and his son Rhema, at his daughter Shema\u2019s convocation ceremony, in 2019. (Photo courtesy of Charles Tan)More financial advice and support can lighten the loadAside from better avenues for emotional support, Mr Low thinks that providing more financial resources is also key to meeting the needs of single fathers.\u00a0\u201cFinance is one of the top things that we always are facing,\u201d he laments. In order to improve his family\u2019s financial situation, the single father enrolled in workshops meant to teach him how to invest his money, which ironically, took a further toll on his financial resources.\u00a0\u201cI went for workshop after workshop, which is why I probably exhausted my finances… There’s the desperation to want to make it better than a family that’s traditionally with two [parents]… and to see how to really support my two kids,\u201d he says.\u00a0The admin executive, who works in a bank, recently opened a store in Lucky Plaza selling plastic paraphernalia, such as lunch boxes and shelves. Mr Low sees the space as a way to give back to the community, as he intends to hire other single parents to help run the shop. Still, he worries about how long he can sustain this venture, which was launched at the start of phase two (heightened alert), as business has been slow.Terence Low’s children Jonas and Eva, when they were five and two, respectively, in 2011. The photo was taken at childcare, when Mr Low had just gotten them to put on their shoes before heading home. (Photo courtesy of Terence Low)It takes a village to raise a childHaving a reliable support system of a loving family has been a lifeline for single fathers like Mr Low, who says that he is grateful for his parents.\u00a0\u201cMy dad came in and he supported me,\u201d he says. \u201cHe’s someone to talk to and bounce [ideas off], see what can be done.\u201dSimilarly, Mr Raziff’s folks have been integral in raising Adyan. \u201cBoth my parents [are] living with me. So [his] grandfather and the grandmother [are] critical in [his] growing up,\u201d he says, which was partly why his ex-wife wanted to give him care and control of Adyan, as they have been a constant presence since his son was a baby.\u00a0He maintains that his friends have also been central to Adyan\u2019s growing up, especially after he moved back to Singapore with his son last year, and initiated more meetups with friends. Prior to the move, they had lived in Johor Bahru for five to six years.\u00a0\u201cAll my Facebook friends are his friends… He talks to them like he’s talking to adults,\u201d he says. Adyan has even initiated meetings with Mr Raziff’s friends on his behalf: \u201cHe’s that close that he can ask and sometimes make me paiseh (meaning ’embarrassed’ in Hokkien) when he asks without my permission.\u201d\u00a0Mr Tan, too, appreciates the kindness of loved ones: \u201cI am very thankful to receive some spiritual and emotional support from my church; pastors, friends, colleagues, relatives, who showed care and concern for me and my kids during my journey,\u201d he shares.Mohammed Raziff Bin Abdull Hamid with his teenage son Adyan near the Singapore Flyer, last year. (Photo courtesy of Mohammed Raziff Bin Abdull Hamid)\u201cI feel like I am a father as well as a mother,\u201d Mr Low admits. Although he adds that he is clueless about approaching \u201cgirl issues\u201d when it comes to his daughter, Eva, who turns 12 this year.\u00a0\u201cCertain girl issues I don’t know how to sit with my daughter to tell her, so I’m very thankful that I have my mum,\u201d he says.\u00a0Mr Raziff jokes that his friends refer to him as both a mother and father. But he is quick to point out that he does not see himself fulfilling both maternal and paternal roles. Rather, he sees these duties as part of his responsibilities as a father.\u00a0\u201cI don’t feel like I’m a mother and father, but I have a responsibility to fulfil whatever responsibility, A to Z, there’s no separation,\u201d he emphasises. \u201cIf you have a wife, then you say I take A, you take B, I take C, you take D. But for me, A to Z is just my responsibility.\u201dJoin the conversations on TheHomeGround Asia’s\u00a0Facebook\u00a0and\u00a0Instagram, and get the latest updates via\u00a0Telegram.Where to find help:Samaritans of Singapore:\u00a01800 221-4444 (24 hours)Institute of Mental Health:\u00a06389-2222 (24 hours)Singapore Association for Mental Health:\u00a01800 283-7019 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 6pm)TOUCHline:\u00a01800 377-2252 (Mon to Fri, 9am to 6pm)"},{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Destinations","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/#breadcrumbitem"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Singapore","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/\/singapore\/#breadcrumbitem"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"Single fathers need a listening ear, too","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/single-fathers-need-a-listening-ear-too\/#breadcrumbitem"}]}]