[{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/the-a-is-for-asexual-the-sexual-identity-youve-probably-never-heard-of\/#NewsArticle","mainEntityOfPage":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/the-a-is-for-asexual-the-sexual-identity-youve-probably-never-heard-of\/","headline":"The ‘A’ is for asexual \u2013 the sexual identity you’ve probably never heard of","name":"The ‘A’ is for asexual \u2013 the sexual identity you’ve probably never heard of","description":"Media and popular culture are often highly sexualised, and in this environment, people who do not experience sexual attraction are viewed with suspicion; their experiences misunderstood and disregarded. But what can the asexual community show us about the ways society might conceive relationships and intimacy differently? As asexuals and advocates celebrated the inaugural International Asexuality […]","datePublished":"2021-04-22","dateModified":"2022-04-15","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/author\/michelle-jn-lim\/#Person","name":"Michelle JN Lim","url":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/author\/michelle-jn-lim\/","identifier":288,"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/81c2a6d6fefde42394985e51f55fe5b44ab5eadc292408d466aa6fd6d628ae8e?s=96&d=mm&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/81c2a6d6fefde42394985e51f55fe5b44ab5eadc292408d466aa6fd6d628ae8e?s=96&d=mm&r=g","height":96,"width":96}},"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"TheHomeGround 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But what can the asexual community show us about the ways society might conceive relationships and intimacy differently? As asexuals and advocates celebrated the inaugural International Asexuality Day earlier this month (6 April), TheHomeGround Asia speaks with a few individuals in Singapore who identify as asexual to learn more. \u2018You just haven\u2019t had good sex yet.\u2019\u2018You need to have sex with the right person.\u2019This is how 35-year-old journalist Teng Yong Ping\u2019s friends responded when he came out as asexual to his friends. It is a sentiment echoed by 24-year-old theatre director Rebecca G, whose friends have said to them, \u2018Do you need to see a doctor?\u2019\u00a0For many people who identify as asexual, these are typical remarks from people who do not understand what asexuality is \u2013 which is to say, a large segment of the population. Yet it is a reality they have been coming to terms with ever since they realised that their sexual identity was different from most of their peers.\u00a0Mx G was about four or five when she first encountered the concept of asexuality: \u201cI was reading an encyclopaedia, and I chanced upon this page about yeast budding in a section on asexual and sexual reproduction. I remember thinking to myself that this is how I wanted to be in the future. In my tiny mind, as a child, that made perfect sense.\u201dHer younger self had identified with the notion of self-sufficiency, which the biological concept of asexual reproduction implied, even though it is quite different from asexuality as a sexual orientation in humans.Not all asexual people come to the realisation this early \u2013 Mr Teng only recognised that he was asexual at 30. Unlike his male friends he did not watch porn and when he admitted as such, one of them suggested, ‘Oh, you\u2019re probably asexual.’It was not the first time he had encountered the term \u2018asexual\u2019, but it was the first time he had considered that the concept might relate to him: \u201cI went home and I started researching about it online. As I started reading about it, a lot of questions came up.\u201d So, what is asexuality?\u00a0In short, someone who is asexual neither experiences sexual attraction nor, according to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), \u201can intrinsic desire” to have sexual relationships.\u00a0People who identify on the asexual spectrum are also known as ace, or aces.\u00a0Notably, being asexual has nothing to do with whether a person has sex, or how much or with whom.\u00a0By contrast, people who experience sexual attraction and desire are referred to as \u2018allosexuals\u2019.Estimates for the asexual proportion of the population are limited and may vary. But AVEN states that the most widely cited figure is that about one per cent of the population is asexual.Asexuals generally think of sexual attraction as distinct from romantic attraction, hence their sexual identity is viewed as independent of their romantic orientation.\u00a0Mr Teng, for example, identifies as asexual but homoromantic, meaning that he experiences romantic attraction to other men, although he is not sexually attracted to people of any gender.\u00a0On the other hand, Mx G identifies as both asexual and aromantic, meaning that they experience neither sexual nor romantic attraction.\u00a0Others may identify themselves somewhere on the asexual spectrum, or ace umbrella, such as demisexual (finds sex with others undesirable unless a deep emotional bond has been established) or graysexual (seldom experiences sexual attraction).Within this framework, asexual identities might be conceived of as an ‘ace spectrum’ or ‘ace umbrella’. (Source: Huffpost – Click on image to view)A journey of self-discovery through the underrepresented web of mainstream media\u00a0Living in a society where media and popular culture are highly sexualised has not made it easy for aces to understand their (a)sexuality.While the allosexual majority can expect to watch their dreams and desires reflected in the lives of fictional characters on the small and big screens, asexuals and aromantics are more likely to be confused about how disengaged they feel towards mainstream entertainment.\u00a0\u201cI didn\u2019t experience puberty the same way as my peers \u2013 I couldn\u2019t join in in many of the conversations, because I couldn\u2019t talk about the things that they were interested in,” shares Mx G. “All they wanted to talk about were characters that they saw on TV whom they felt were attractive, but I couldn\u2019t relate to that at all.”They add, \u201cI would go along with the conversations, but I was just parroting what people said so that I could feel my way around and blend in easily.\u201d\u00a0Fictional character Sherlock Holmes, most famously played by Benedict Cumberbatch (in picture against the asexual flag) in British TV series Sherlock, was Rebecca G’s first role model. (Source: Tumqir)In fact, Mx G\u2019s first role model was Sherlock Holmes, the legendary private detective created by British author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. They point out that he was one of the rare iconic fictional characters for whom romance was not a significant part of his story.\u201cEven at a young age, I really identified with how he just had a very good friend but not romantic liaisons \u2013 not in the books at least \u2013 and I always thought that that was what I wanted,” they explain. \u201cHe\u2019s celebrated for what he does and people accept that weirdness about him because he\u2019s so good at what he does.\u201d\u00a0These days, asexuality has received slightly more representation on TV, such as characters Todd Chavez in BoJack Horseman, Lord Varys in Game of Thrones, and Florence in Sex Education. The increasing awareness about asexuality has also led to coverage that highlights asexual representation in popular culture on media platforms like Vox and BuzzFeed.\u00a0Florence (above, played by Mirren Mack) in Netflix’s hit series Sex Education seeks advice from sex therapist Jean (played by Gillian Anderson), who introduces her to asexuality. (Source: Femestella)Nonetheless, the lack of a strong, visible asexual community has motivated Mx G to produce art that people like themselves can relate to.\u201cI want to make work that I want to see, that will speak to people who are like me, or who are interested in knowing more about people who are like me,\u201d says the theatre director, who recently staged a play entitled parthenogenesis, at The Substation. Parthenogenesis explores the themes of asexuality, and is modelled on Mx G\u2019s experiences as an asexual person navigating through life.University student Alia Alkaff, 24, a co-creator and the solo performer of parthenogenesis, also identifies as asexual. She thinks that those with a platform have a duty to empower others to tell their own stories.\u201cI know what it’s like to have your story be told by someone else, or be edited and censored just because it’s not in a digestible format for the majority audience,\u201d shares Ms Alia. \u201cSo if I have the opportunity to create my own content that speaks to LGBTQIA issues or the issues of the brown community, I would very much like to do that.\u201dParthenogenesis, a play by director Rebecca G and co-creator and performer Alia Alkaff, was staged at The Substation’s SeptFest in March 2021. (Photo by Thomas Brunning Photography)Asexuality and romantic orientation – know your termsAsexual – People who do not experience sexual attraction or a desire to have sexual relationships. They also\u00a0think of sexual attraction as distinct from romantic attraction, and view their sexual identity as independent of their romantic orientation.Ace\/Aces – People who identify on the asexual spectrum, or ace umbrella.Allosexuals – People who experience sexual attraction and desire.Demisexual – Finds sex undesirable unless a deep emotional bond has been established.Graysexual – Seldom experiences sexual attraction.Aromantic – Experiences no romantic attraction.Homoromantic – Experiences romantic attraction towards those of the same gender.Heteromantic – Experiences romantic attraction towards those of the opposite gender.Panromantic – Experiences romantic attraction to people of all gender identities.Being a minority within a minority\u00a0Ms Alia discovered her asexuality in her teens, when unlike her friends she was not sexually attracted to the opposite sex. Speaking to the loneliness of the asexual experience, she says, \u201cI never wished that I wasn\u2019t asexual, but I wished that there were more people like me that I could talk to, who could understand my experience.\u201d\u00a0She has since come out to her siblings, who have accepted her ace identity. But she remains hesitant to tell her more traditional-minded parents.Like other aces that TheHomeGround Asia spoke to, Ms Alia relied on the internet to learn about asexuality, as she felt that she could not turn to her immediate circle of friends and family for information about it.For aces who are not aromantic, it can also be a challenge to find romantic partners who understand and accept their lack of sexual desire.\u201cI do yearn for the companionship of a partner,\u201d reveals Mr Teng. \u201cIt would be nice to have a partner to cuddle with, to hold hands with, to do all the romantic things that people do… but one big problem for aces is that we often have a much lower libido than our partner.\u201d\u00a0This incompatibility can be a dealbreaker for allosexuals, who view sex as an important part of a romantic relationship.\u201cI guess every ace person needs to negotiate their relationship to touch, intimacy and sex with their partner. There\u2019s no one size fits all,\u201d rationalises Mr Teng.\u00a0Square peg in a round holeBiomedical scientist Chrissie Lim, 32, identifies as heteromantic (romantically attracted to people of the opposite gender) and graysexual. She describes her experience as \u201cone big theme of loneliness\u201d.Dr Lim passes as straight and feels \u201cout of sync with both allosexuals and the queer community in different ways.\u201d At 25 years old, she suspected that she might be on the asexual spectrum after accepting that she had a low sex drive, despite her best efforts.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cI realised I was never going to experience what my peers and boyfriend described to me about their libidos despite a lot of trying to build a sexual spark,\u201d she says.\u201c[My then-boyfriend] made the effort to understand the concept of asexuality and tried very hard to be mindful of my consent, but I think it damaged our relationship because he felt \u2018unwanted\u2019 when it was obvious I wasn’t expressing my desire for him in a way he recognised \u2013 which is to say, sexually.\u201dWhen she faced struggles in her romantic relationships and sought support in her friends and family, she was usually met with unhelpful responses that invalidated her experiences. Not being understood has made her feel like she is “struggling” alone in her “pain”, resulting in her feeling unseen or unsafe about this aspect of her life.\u201cIn conversations with allosexuals, I hit a wall whenever I want to have a deep conversation about emotions and companionship,\u201d explains Dr Lim. \u201cNearly everyone whom I open up to puts a lot of emphasis on sexual needs… and they always assume that romantic and sexual desire come together.”Oftentimes, it can feel extremely lonely as an asexual, who is unable to turn to friends and family for support. (Photo by Kristina Tripkovic \/ Unsplash)As for finding solace in the queer community, Dr Lim says that being cis and passing as heteronormative challenges her sense of belonging in any community.\u00a0\u201cIn the LGBTQ+ discourse, I completely relate to accounts of asexual experience and their struggles, but am also fully aware of my privileges as a cis female with a very femme body, who has only felt attraction to males,\u201d she explains.\u201cI often feel guilty and unsure if I should consider myself queer since I don’t experience the same challenges as many in the community. Notably, I rarely have to fear for my physical safety or that my partner will not be accepted, since me dating a man would pass as default straight.\u201dDespite not fitting into the queer community, Dr Lim says that she tries to be a good ally, although she worries about \u201cco-opting [or] usurping the queer space for those facing far more discrimination than I do.\u201d\u00a0Her decision not to speak up in those spaces about her problems has invariably led to her feeling \u201csilenced\u201d, though she acknowledges, \u201cthrough nobody’s fault.\u201dMany asexual people may experience forms of attraction that can be romantic, aesthetic, or sensual in nature, but do not lead to a need to act out on that attraction sexually. The most widely cited figure is that the asexual proportion of the population is about one per cent. (Photo by Tyler Nix)Finding small pockets of community\u00a0According to a 2019 report by the Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law in the US, statistics show asexual sexual minority adults report more everyday discrimination and stigma than non-asexual LGB (lesbian, gay, bisexual) adults.That said, life is not all doom and gloom.Asexuals can and do find understanding, intimacy and kinship amongst allosexuals and fellow asexuals.\u00a0Ms Alia is in a committed relationship with an allosexual man, who has been understanding and respectful of her needs.\u201cIt never occurred to me that I as an ace could be in a relationship with an allosexual and they would be comfortable and want to be with me,\u201d she says.\u00a0\u201cOne of my biggest fears has always been whether my partner will ever be okay with me being asexual \u2013 will I always need to be uncomfortable and be put in this situation where I have to compromise my own comfort in order to do what\u2019s expected of me as a Muslim wife?\u201d\u00a0Others like Mr Teng have carved out a safe space for fellow aces to understand their identity. Since 2016, he has been running a Meetup group for asexual people called Aces Going Places. As the group\u2019s description states, it invites \u201casexuals of all stripes in Singapore to make friends and share [their] experiences so [they] don’t have to feel isolated in an overly sexualised world, where people like [them] lack visibility.\u201dHe explains, \u201cWe state specifically that the group is open to non-asexuals or people who are questioning [their identity]… It\u2019s good for us to also educate non-asexual people about us.\u201d\u00a0Such an open and welcoming attitude seems to be typical of the aces TheHomeGround Asia met.\u00a0As Mx G puts it, \u201cWhen it comes to the asexual community, there’s always this sense that you\u2019re welcome to identify however you want.”Hence if a person feels that \u2018asexual\u2019 is no longer a label that applies to them, they can feel free to leave.\u201cThat understanding that sexuality is fluid, and everyone\u2019s welcome and valid regardless, makes for very little judgment and gatekeeping,\u201d she says.\u00a0Coined by Swedish writer Andie Nordgren, ‘relationship anarchy’ draws its tenets from political anarchy, the main one being that relationships should not be bound by any rules not agreed upon by the involved parties. (Photo by eflon \/ Flickr)Alternative relationships: For a more inclusive and compassionate future?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0With asexual individuals feeling uncomfortable, or worse, excluded from society\u2019s default frameworks for understanding relationships, some have found greater fulfilment in alternative modes of intimacy and romantic connections.Theatre director Henrik, 34, an asexual who identifies as non-binary and panromantic, subscribes to the concept of relationship anarchy, coined by Swedish writer Andie Nordgren. It might sound radical, but what it advocates is for people to decide the kind of relationships they want for themselves, rather than rely on societal norms and pressures.\u00a0\u201cI believe that romantic and sexual relationships do not automatically trump platonic or familial relationships,\u201d says Mx Henrik, highlighting one of the key principles of relationship anarchy; that \u201clove is abundant, and every relationship is unique\u201d.This movement also accepts that relationships can form from different types of attraction, in contrast to how society at large tends to conflate sexual, aesthetic and romantic attractions.\u00a0Mx G shares this view: \u201cWe can have different kinds of intimacy. The fact that you don’t need a partner to feel complete, and that your friendships can be as valuable and rewarding as romantic relationships, is worth considering.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Aces may turn to these alternative relationship frameworks because existing ones fail to accommodate their modes of care and intimacy. But allosexuals who thrive in socio-cultural paradigms might also benefit from considering the world through this lens.\u00a0By centreing relationships on the people involved and encouraging dialogue, individuals might reflect on what kind of connections they want to have in order to lead fulfilling lives. Thus, preventing mismatched expectations in relationships, for asexuals or allosexuals.In many ways, this could be a more respectful and compassionate way to honour the unique place and value of relationships; familial, platonic, romantic, sexual or otherwise.\u00a0Now, wouldn\u2019t that be something? Join the conversations on THG’s Facebook and Instagram, and get the latest updates via Telegram."},{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Destinations","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/#breadcrumbitem"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Singapore","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/\/singapore\/#breadcrumbitem"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"The ‘A’ is for asexual \u2013 the sexual identity you’ve probably never heard of","item":"https:\/\/thehomeground.asia\/destinations\/singapore\/the-a-is-for-asexual-the-sexual-identity-youve-probably-never-heard-of\/#breadcrumbitem"}]}]