Sex is often regarded as one of the most intimate acts that bring two people together. In fact, research has evinced that there are a plethora of benefits to having regular sex — lowering one’s blood pressure, increasing one’s heart health, strengthening one’s muscles, and reducing the risk of heart disease, stroke and hypertension, just to name a few.
Health benefits aside, sex has also been revealed to be an important tool for self-discovery, as well as a tool for bonding, especially in the context of relationships. Sex helps an individual to improve his or her ability to perceive, identify and express emotions; the release of oxytocin during sex also helps one to build closeness and intimacy with one’s partner.
In recent years, sex has become a more widely-discussed topic, as sex advocates and sex-positive individuals have begun to dispel the stigmas of openly discussng one’s sexuality and sexual desires. One of these is the sex positive movement that was founded in the 1990s — with the aim of changing cultural attitudes and norms around sexuality, framing it as a natural and healthy part of the human experience.
Sexual exploration and sexual contracts
As sex and talking about sex becomes increasingly normalised, the idea of sexual exploration has been encouraged — through the use of mastrubation, erotic art, porn and even sex parties (not during this pandemic, of course).
But wait, that’s not all. Sexual exploration can also involve experimenting sexually with others, in the form of the friends with benefits or sexual contracts. You’ve probably heard about friends with benefits — which is basically two people who are acquainted engaging in sexual activity without really dating each other.
Sexual contracts explained — Ben shares his story
In a bid to understand exactly how sex contracts are, I spoke to Ben (not his real name), who was willing to share his experience with sexual contracts — how it works, what it entails, and more.
Ben’s motivations for wanting to explore a sexual contract arose out of curiosity about BDSM — an umbrella term used to describe certain aspects of sex that can be split into three major groups: bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.
“I was new to the [BDSM] scene and porn was not a good introduction to what it would be like realistically. As a submissive, I would be in a vulnerable position with someone I barely knew; the high risk made me anxious and paranoid.”
Asking Ben to elaborate more on what it means to enter a sexual contract, he likens it to friends with benefits, as there is no expectation to date the other party before engaging in sexual intercourse with them. However, there are also differences: “It involved defining the terms of the dominant and the submissive’s relationship dynamic — down to the minute details. It also covers points like code of conduct, dress code, punishments, rewards, limits, safe words, aftercare and the degree of ownership over the submissive’s body and daily life.”
As such, working out the terms of the contract helped him to build trust with the other party and understand his character, needs and wants — essential aspects for entering into a sexual relationship with a stranger, so to say. “It establishes the relationship dynamic from the get-go and prevents any misunderstandings that could arise from mismatched expectations. It also encourages open communication that can make us more flexible in trying new things while being more aware of what our limits are,” he adds.
Working out the finer details
I asked Ben how he managed to find someone that was willing to sign such a contract with him, and he replies with much ease: “There are apps specifically dedicated to the BDSM scene, like Recon. There are many others [on the app] looking for a quick hook up, but you just have to be patient and not settle. It’s almost like dating, in some sense.”
Discussing and refining the final contract was a rather tedious process as well. “There were almost 10 drafts before we finalised the contract because we would share our uninhibited needs and wants before letting each other know about our limits and degree of flexibility. For example, [the dominant] originally wanted me to move in with him, but it was not realistic for me as I still live with my family and have a full-time job. I was only interested in individual session play whenever I was in the mood for it. So that’s what we agreed on.”
Although the signing of the contract does protect both parties in terms of the limits of the sexual activity they would engage in, Ben states that the contract isn’t legally binding.
“There are specific clauses about who has ownership of the photos and videos that are taken during the sessions, and under what circumstances they can be shared or deleted,” he says. “It also details the submissive handing over their freedoms and rights to the dominant, but it’s definitely not enforceable in the court of law.”
How it went down
Ben recalls that he was “excited” to get started as soon as he signed the contract. “There was a lot less anxiety when we met for the first session, and I was eager to explore the terms we had drawn up.”
That being said, there were also some things that Ben had to get used to. “Even though mentally I was anticipating it, I was not physically prepared for many of the new activities.” He uses this to reiterate the importance of establishing trust and a channel of open communication with the other party. “This allowed me to communicate clearly when I felt uncomfortable, allowing him to make adjustments immediately.”
It’s not just for strangers
Despite the lack of the juicer details of Ben’s experience with sexual contracts, him sharing his experience does give me a better idea of what sexual contracts are about. After doing some additional snooping around on the Internet, I found out that sexual contracts aren’t solely for strangers who want to explore their sexual fantasies.
Sexual contracts can also be drawn up by couples to establish certain terms for their sex life — which could include simple things like how often the couple will have sex, what types of sex acts will occur or even minute things such as whether the room will be lit or dark.
Apart from protecting both parties from the possibility of overstepping one’s boundaries, sexual contracts can also be used to negotiate and improve couples’ sex lives.
Here’s a caveat though. Similar to what Ben mentioned earlier, sexual contracts do not protect against rape and sexual violence.
Yay or nay?
To end off the interview, I asked Ben if sexual contracts should be normalised between consenting adults. To which he replied almost immediately: “Without a doubt. Even if lengthy contracts are not your cup of tea, any tool that helps you communicate better with your partner on what you enjoy sexually should be taken advantage of. Life is too short for bad sex.”
Join the conversations on THG’s Facebook and Instagram, and get the latest updates via Telegram.
